The Truth: Beginning of the End

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My own Bubble

I have had quite a few of you asking me, when is my next post. I have been wrapped up in my own little bubble, it's really quite nice in here. On a serious note. Writing down my past feelings brought back a lot of emotions and memories, some of which I had forgotten. I have needed to deal with this in my own way. Writing this blog started my journey to true recovery. I decided to get rid of plastering up my emotions with antidepressants, no partying the nights away, no stupid training regime and no 'starving' myself or bingeing on chocolate.... These are my usual tricks to ignore the pain inside. I have decided to feel my pain and let it burn. If I do not feel the pain, how will it go away? It wont, it will stay forever. All that pain will eat away inside, without me even realising. One day it will show its ugly head in the form of a bitter, twisted, single mum who hates men (and women) and will just be sad. I certainly do not want to be that person. I want to stay me.

"Nice Day for a White Wedding"

Today 8/6/13 is supposed to be my wedding day. Venue was all booked and nearly all paid for.... Dress was chosen, invites in envelope, quartet being auditioned. January 1st 2013 started the beginning of the end. I called it off. Shit. Fuck. Bollocks. I've done it. Today I feel strange. Free. New. Light. Care free. The person who I am. Today I feel like the jigsaw piece that does not fit.... But guess what? That's ME. LOLA. But I am sad. I can't help it. Last night, I was home alone and all I could think about was what I was supposed to be doing. I had a girly PJ party organised in the bridal suite. I was supposed to be sipping champagne with my girls and giggling with butterflies at marrying my forever love. But he wasn't. Was he? Just because I finally made the decision does not mean that this hurts any less. If anything it hurts more because if I had kept quiet and put up with it all then I would not have hurt him. Or anyone else. We could all be having a gorgeous

It's about YOU not you....

....this blog is not intended to hurt, blame or slag anyone off. It is not me attention seeking, playing a game or being mean. The reason no one has a name is because it is not aimed at blame or hate. I truly am using experiences in my life to help other people understand that only you can look after you. Only you can take hold of your own hand and guide it to your happiness and self worth. Why does the majority try to find themselves and their happiness in other people? Why do the majority blame others for there flaws and unhappiness? If you feel unhappy about a certain something or a certain person then only you can make those changes to make it happen. There is a way forward if you dig deep, find that fire in your belly and roar like a lion. So to sum this blog up, it's actually all about you.

It's not their fault.

I have learnt a lot about parenting and whose who and what's what. What affects and what blows over. Maybe it is my nature just to research everything! I grew up with both my parents totally in love with each other and with them never fighting (well not in front of us) they never put the other down if they did not agree and they both respected each other for what each other did. They both equally loved my sister and I. My sister and I were cuddled, we climbed Into bed with our parents, we bathed with our mum n dad and we were sneaky and talked all night on our walkie talkies. We were spoke to honestly and if something was too adult to understand, it was toned down. We were never lied to or told things to make others look bad. We always knew the truth. We were taught that we should talk about our feelings, even if they were bad...we were never told off for our opinions. We were brought up with love and were disciplined with love. Today in 2013 our family still talks, we still snug

What is Antenatal Depression

We become pregnant, everyone congratulates us, amazing, well done, you must be so happy...... Umm nope! At first I thought, I would get a few sly comments from people, 'that was quick' but I overall I was chuffed. My boyfriend was chuffed too, we were going to make a go of it and raise a little family. Together. However, for me, this is when my 'perfect man' turned from loving to controlling. OR I turned from sane, pretty, fit, fun Lola to insane, fat, ugly, useless housewife. I couldn't wash clothes the right way, dinner was not ready in time, C was not behaving the correct way, I was always late, doing too much for other people, I talked shit, was lazy, had a saggy arse and sex was not enough. True?? I thought so. It was confusing though because I was paid to live in the house and I had no money problems anymore. Anything I wanted I could have, if I asked. I was always allowed out with my friends if it suited 2. Baths were ran for me on occasions and we would

Antenatal depression.

I'm ready. Today has been a very good day. Today I have spoken out loud about the most taboo subject ever. I spoke about my dark days of antenatal depression. Age 26, pregnant with 2nd baby, 2nd father, 2nd chance to make my ideal family work. I wanted such a happy life for my babies. I wanted them to be loved and experience happiness and have memories the same as I had, had. I wanted to give them the world and I was willing to sacrifice for this. I could pretend forever. I dident matter. My 2nd Baby's Dad (ill call him 2, for ease) had an extra tough time loving my first born. These were his own issues. I could not understand why though. He was strict on him, stricter than he was on his own Son. C (baby 1) really fought to be loved by 2.... Everything he did, I could see he was just trying to impress. It tore my heart. I hated it. I hated 2 telling C off, I hated him inflicting rules and being hard on him. C needed it? He needed discipline? I Molly coddled him? I was too